The First Annual Kenny Powers F*cking Fantasy League Draft Grades


There is something inherently-beautiful about the number ten.

Humanity has made copious use of the figure. We use it to measure everything from years (decades) to percentages (the decimal numeral system). It makes cameos in everything from religion to pop culture.

Fantasy football is no exception. A standard league is comprised of ten teams, whose players are drawn from a universe of 32 NFL rosters.

There are 12, 14 and 16-team leagues for hardcore players who really enjoy grinding it out. Ten, however, is the tree which yields the most even distribution of talent fruit.

Ten team leagues are fun. Who doesn’t like having a stable of current and future pro-bowlers? Everyone gets to leave the draft fired up, with a solid team in tow.

And, that’s how you should feel. We’re but halfway through the preseason, the last lemonade-twangs of summer still echoing across chlorine-soaked, bodies of water.

The start of the NFL regular season hints at winter’s imminence, the promise of ice, snow, torn ACL’s and fantasy heartbreak.

For now, we have hope, Godspeed.


Kenny Powers Fantasy F*cking Football League 2016 Draft Grades

Finally, the moment that you have undoubtedly been waiting for has arrived. I will attempt to breakdown the 2016 draft for the Kenny Powers league.

And, what a draft it was! Scrambling to fill three vacancies, Commissioner and evil emperor Jeff C. used his powers for good, plugging fresh blood into the vacancies. We welcome John “Mr. 3000”,  Lauren “Coach” and Bob “Richard Branson” to the league of ingrates.

The teams are ranked by overall draft grade.  I tried to be fair and impartial, especially for my own team!  Also, there are two asterisks that must be mentioned:

  1. Gaskins’ team was drafted by his proxy, sports guru and resident Cowboys expert Ben K.
  2. The second half of Corey W.’s team was selected in an impromptu voting, held by the rest of the league


Overall Grade: The total package, takes every factor into consideration – composition, depth, strength of schedule, etc.

Value: The total amount of value, built into the team’s picks, based on position scarcity and players’ general fantasy ranking, entering the 2016 season

You Like That Moment: (Kirk Cousins likes your pick, AKA the best, or most “F U” pick)


All Lobs Go To Mike Evans

Overall Grade: A
Value: A+
YTLM: Cam Newton, 11th round

Getting to keep the 2015, fantasy point leader Newton as your 11th round pick seems almost unfair. Not to be outdone, Lobs turned its first three picks into the death trio of Julio Jones, Keenan Allen and Mark Ingram.

The sheer firepower of those four players will be tough to match up against. Also, Lobs gets at least three weeks of DeAngelo Williams, a stud last year.

After Jones and Allen, there isn’t much depth at WR.

Team Gaskins

Overall Grade: A
Value: A
YLTM: Sammy Watkins, 5th round

Team Gaskins employed a cunning, draft strategy I hadn’t seen before: No Bills, No Jets. The vow was broken in the 5th round, with the selection of Sammy Watkins – a great value at that slot. Watkins joins Green, Evans and Cobb in an incredible receiving corps.

Injury-prone, RB2 Ryan Matthews must stay healthy, or it gets ugly. Still, Team Gaskins has the WR chips to swing a trade for RB depth.

JPP’s Index Finger

Overall Grade: A
Value: B+
YLTM: CJ Anderson, 4th round

“I hate my team,” said team owner Danny Gregory, early on. When the dust settled, however, he had one of the better starting line-ups in the league. It will be elite, upon RB Le’Veon Bell week 4 return. Index Finger also built value with a series of late, upside picks at WR.

After Bell and CJ Anderson, this squad’s fortunes will rest on the brittle bones of Danny Woodhead and Arian Foster. TE Zach Ertz needs to prove he’s the stud of the last quarter of the season (21 ppg) and not the dud from the rest of it (6.8 ppg).

Jamarcus Russellsprouts

Overall Grade: A-
Value: B
YLTM: Tyler Boyd, 13th round

Adrian Peterson and Jamaal Charles – ‘nuff said. Also, Boyd could be one of the best steals of the draft. If Kirk Cousins retains his 2015 form, he becomes an interesting trade chip once Brady returns from his suspension.

The receivers are a bit boom or bust (Amari Cooper, TY Hilton) or injury-prone (Julian Edelman, TE Tyler Eifert). I like the TJ Yeldon pick, but James White was a bit of a reach for me.

! Slobb on my Cobb

Overall Grade: B+
Value: A-
YLTM: Marvin Jones, 14th round

Cobb began the draft with money in the bank, in the form of keepers Todd Gurley and Antonio Brown. Gurley in the 4th round is nasty value.

There are some nice upside picks (Lamar Miller, Kevin White, Josh Gordon, Marvin Jones), book-ended by a few, reliable staples (Greg Olsen, Eric Decker, Drew Brees).

With great upside comes great the potential for great downside. We have yet to see White on an NFL field, and Gordon needs to keep his head on straight off of it.

The Dion Lewis news broke the day of the draft, unfortunate timing for Team Cobb, although Lewis will reportedly be back in a few months.

RockinJT LaFlamaBlanca

Overall Grade: B+
Value: B
YLTM: Steven Gostkowski, 12th round

The power trio of Gronk, Brandin Cooks and Aaron Rodgers is top-of-the-line. If Doug Martin can retain his elite form (and if Demaryius Thomas can re-discover his) then this is a playoff-bound, starting line-up.

I love the Tyler Lockett pick (10th round) – a player made even more-valuable from his elite skills in the return game. Also, the mighty Gostkowski will be kicking 50-yarders left and right.

After Martin, running back is kind of a mess. Until the pecking order is established in Tennessee, it will be a series of hunches, starting DeMarco Murray or Derrick Henry.

Jared Goff might be interesting, down the road, but will probably not be fantasy-relevant, this season.

Team Ralston

Overall Grade: B
Value: B+
YLTM: Jeremy Langford, 6th round

Scenario A) Everyone stays healthy.

The veteran-squad (Dez Bryant, Jordy Nelson, Kelvin Benjamin, LeSean McCoy, Antonio Gates, Carson Palmer) stays healthy and plays to the numbers on the back of their cards.

Eric Ebron finally breaks out, and the tandem of Jeremy’s (Hill and Langford) bolsters the running game.


Scenario B) Apocalypse

The veterans deal with nagging injuries all season, leading to a frustrating year of constantly refreshing your phone on Sundays, to see who is playing.

Langford regresses and Ebron is Ebron again.

Team Coach Singer

Overall Grade: B
Value: B-
YLTM: DeVante Parker, 14th round

Newcomer Team Singer got Luck(y) in round one, but deployed the rest of their draft with the deft skill of a veteran. Wide receiver, led by Brandon Marshall and Jeremy Maclin, will be one of the team’s strengths.

Melvin Gordon, DeVante Parker and Theo Riddick are great upside-picks. Blake Bortles is a late-steal and can be flipped for additional depth elsewhere.

If Rawls is the Rawls of last year, then this draft grade is greatly-improved.

Rawls will have to prove he’s healthy and Gordon has to prove he belongs in the NFL.
Luck will have a bounce-back campaign, but will have to be transcendent to justify his 3rd overall selection. Some value is deducted due to the amount of elite players on the board at that point.

Homer pick of Josh Brown leaves the team without a kicker for week one.

Nate, Son of Bob

Overall Grade: B
Value: B-
YLTM: Jordan Reed, 14th round

I was thrilled to get DeAndre Hopkins at 13th overall.

Hopefully Eddie Lacy will bust out in a contract year, and one of my young receivers (Stefon Diggs, Sterling Shepard) turns into a stud.

Keeping Jordan Reed late, and waiting on quarterback, allowed me to grab some of the players I wanted in the mid-rounds.

Looking back, I might have played it a little too safe, sacrificing upside for reliability. Latavius Murray in the 4th round might be a reach. Giovani Bernard has to stay healthy- no small task.

Also, I hate having Eli Manning.

St1kndamud Poe

Overall Grade: B
Value: C+
YLTM: David Johnson, 14th round

Running Backs; David Johnson in the 14th is fantastic value. He will be joined by the much-ballyhooed, Ezekiel Elliott and potential stud, Duke Johnson Jr. looks to take the sophomore leap.

Tight end is strong, with the tandem of Delanie Walker and Martellus “Fuck Jay Cutler” Bennett.

The value of Johnson was negated by the selection of John Brown in the second round – a player who could have been available down the road.

Picking between the two Jackson’s (DeSean and Vincent) and Torrey Smith could prove frustrating, if the odd man out goes off on the bench.

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